I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
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