I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
