Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
When did angry sex become our thing?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
