who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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