I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Sober January is a disaster.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
