I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
