last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
