best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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