I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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