tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
