Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
