Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
