I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
