you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
