we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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