either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
