maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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