She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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