If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
