So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize