It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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