I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
