i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
