He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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