she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Randomize
