I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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