I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
