well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
