you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
