I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize