You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
