Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
You should frame my arrest warrant.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry š¬
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
He was all āplease donāt bail because Iām missing work for thisā last night
Honey no, I need dick. Iām not going to bail
Randomize
