Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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