how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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