he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
