checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
