My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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