Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
