seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
