I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
