She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
