people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
