finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
