buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
not ubering you a puppy
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
