i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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