My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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