Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
