Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Someone signed my nipple.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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