He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
