I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
