I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize