Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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