ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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