The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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