so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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