I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
