My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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